I have so many things running in and out of my mind right now, and I felt like I just had to write.
I was listening to one of the podcasts that I listen to regularly called I’m Sorry Dad featuring Ry Doon and Brandon Calvillo. This episode, titled ‘9 Minutes’ is a rather emotional one. Brandon is talking about a girl he was seeing, but isn’t anymore, and got pretty emotional talking about it. He and the girl parted ways and he basically references that famous saying we all know and despise. “if you love something, let it go,” and for whatever reason, it hit me hard.
I don’t ever really get any type of emotional whenever I hear someone discussing their emotions. I am not sure why, but I just don’t.
This time, though, I did. I think it’s because I have recently experienced something like this, to an extent. The girl I wrote about last month, she has me fucked up. She really does.
Long story short, her and I aren’t romantically involved anymore. We had a falling out, a pretty bad one, but after things cooled off, we decided to be friends. She told me that she doesn’t see me as anything more than a friend, and I thought I felt that way, too, but I really don’t think I do.
It’s weird. A few days before we ended things, when we would kiss, or even have sex, it felt like it was between friends and that there was nothing there like there once was. So, when we ended it, it felt fine, and we decided to remain friends.
Just friends. Platonic friends.
We have hung out a few times since then, and it was like we were just best friends and it was fine, but the last couple of times, it’s been hard. I know that she only sees me as a friend, and I am being a friend for her, but I can’t help but want her to feel differently about me. I really can’t.
Like last night, I went over her house and we hung out for a few hours. It was cool at first, we even talked about other girls we have been talking to. After ten minutes of it, though, I caught myself feeling bothered by her telling me about who she was talking to. I tried being cool about it and supportive like I would with any of my other friends, which I think I was, but internally, it fucking sucked.
After all of that, we watched The Shape of Water (which is a really fucking weird movie, by the way – why did a movie about a woman fucking a fish win movie of the year??? Get Out should have won). We cuddled and just were close. Closer than we had been for a long time, and it was amazing, but in a way, it also hurt. She wanted me to spend the night, but I knew if I did, we would cuddle, I would probably try to kiss her, and set back the good friendship we have going. Instead of risking that, I just decided to drive thirty minutes back home at 2am.
I think that Brandon’s story hit me hard because it’s so similar to what I am feeling. I love this girl, maybe not romantically, but I really care about her so much, and I do just want her to be happy. She’s leaving for the Navy soon, and I am supporting her in that. When she tells me about this girl she’s talking to, I try my hardest to bite my tongue and just tell her to be careful, but that I want her to be happy. I put her in her place when she’s being dumb as fuck, no matter how mad she gets at me for it, but only because I care.
When I wrote about wanting to give this girl the world and more, I wasn’t kidding. Even if her and I only stay friends for the rest of our lives, I want nothing more than to be one of the reasons that she is happy. I don’t know if I love her, I don’t think that I do, but I do know that I care for her. I care for her so much. If I have to let her go and see her be happy with someone else, I am happy to do so. At the end of the day, I just want her to be happy.
Pain is only temporary, and if it’s meant to be, it will be.
At the end of the day, I don’t know if I believe in fate, or if I believe that everyone has a soulmate, but I’d like to think that there is someone out there that is meant for me, and I can’t wait to meet her someday. Hopefully soon.
As always, I hope you’re all doing great, and I will try and write more frequently.
Be happy and be well.