I’m sorry for how rambley this post will probably be, but I just have a lot of thoughts and I need to get them out.
I had a major anxiety attack a few hours ago. It was tear-filled, boogery and resulted in me FaceTiming my go-to, Domenic, whenever I don’t know what to do and I feel like I might do something stupid (shoutsout to you , Dom, I love you with my whole heart). I cried, screamed and vented to him about how much I hate my anxiety and how I feel like it prevents me from being open with more people.
I am very particular about who I give my heart, thoughts and feelings to. You have to be one special motherfucker for me to let you in and be vulnerable with. However, with that comes attachment – a problem that I wish I didn’t have, because it makes me feel pathetic and weak.
With those that I bring into my life and choose to be vulnerable with, I tend to grow attached to them. Obviously, we all have attachments with those that we care about, but with me, it’s different. I’d say that a solid 99.999999% of the time I am perfectly fine and am a super happy, loving and fun person with my friends. However, if I feel like I have hurt, bothered or annoyed someone that I’ve let close to me – I snap. I don’t mean to, but I just do. I freak out and get overwhelmed by anxiety that they’re going to just leave, something that I have been all too familiar with since I was a kid.
I panic, feel like I’ve done fucked up and feel that they’re just going to leave. I’ll blow up their phone, trying to explain myself, and just end up making a fool of myself. It’s something that leaves me feeling absolutely pathetic after each time it happens.
It’s not something I want to do, because it’s the last thing I would ever want to do to someone. I can only imagine how it must feel on the receiving end of that – having someone freak the fuck out over something so minute, but it happens. I don’t mean it to, but it does.
That’s one of the many shitty things about anxiety. In that moment, you feel so overwhelmed by these horrible feelings and just not being able to shake them. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Knowing that this is how I get the second I feel like I did something wrong truly prevents me from wanting people to get close to me. The thought truly terrifies me. Abandonment is a huge fear of mine, and letting another person in who might do just that is my worst nightmare.
It’s not that I don’t want to let people in, because I do. I do more than ever. I’d love more friends, more people in my life to make wonderful memories with, but it’s something that has always been hard for me to do. I am almost never upset like this, but knowing that it happens once in a while prevents me from wanting to let others in because I would rather spare myself the embarrassment than have to make someone deal with that.
I guess, if you’re reading this and have made it this far, you must care in some aspect, or maybe you’re able to relate to this feeling.
To those that recognize someone in their life with this habit, I say be patient, understanding, and kind. I’m sure it seems absurd and probably quite a turn off, but just be understanding. No one wants to react so ridiculously. If others in this position are like me, I am sure that they will probably feel guilt after the fact and feel embarrassed. They’ll probably ask if you’re upset with them or if you would like to be left alone – they need reassurance that everything is fine and to not worry. If you want to go above and beyond, once everything is back to normal. maybe bring it up and ask why they reacted that way – I can 110% guarantee that it is a demon that they carry and wish so desperately that they didn’t.
To those that recognize that they also struggle with this, hang in there. Anxiety is the absolute worst, and we all know it. At the end of the day, you have to remember that it’s not you and it’s the anxiety. Try to calm yourself down before snapping. Go for a run, listen to music, write, color, take a bath or shower – try and distract yourself from what you’re feeling. It won’t last, things will be back to normal, and you’ll be okay. You also shouldn’t be afraid to let people in. You could be missing out on some of the world’s greatest friends and depriving yourself of that because of a fear over something so small is a silly thing to do. Yeah, I know, I just wrote a whole goddamn post about how I hate letting people in, but this is something I am trying to learn from myself. At the end of the day, even if someone does bail, they aren’t someone you probably would want around anyways. Keep your head up, it gets better.
For those that are in my life and have experienced this with me, and those that will eventually be in my life and might deal with this – thank you. Your kindness and understanding is something that I will never be able to thank you enough for. Times like these are when I need you the most and for those of you that have been nothing but supportive, you are wonderful and I love you. I might not always say it or show it, but I can guarantee that you mean more to me than you probably will ever know.
As always, if anyone reading this needs someone to talk to, you can contact me on my various social media pages or slide into my contact page and shoot me a message. No one should go through life without someone that will listen to them when they need love and support the most.
I hope you’re all well and I promise to not wait so long to post again.