I have so many thoughts right now, and I don’t even know where in the fuck I should even begin, but I promise, there is an actual purpose to this post (I always tend to discover something about myself or a situation after I’m done word vomiting, just stick it out with me).
I’m pretty fucking mad at this moment in time, so I do apologize in advance for the abundance of naughty words that will be sprinkled all over this entry.
If I am being quite frank, I tend to be a pessimistic little dickhead when it comes to love and relationships. However, even though I tend to not be the biggest believer in true love or success in relationships, I still always go all in with a person I am interested in, regardless of my deep-rooted beliefs.
(I plan on diving deeper into this specific topic because the entire situation has left me completely confused, but that won’t be until tomorrow or the next couple days. I’ll attach that here whenever I get to that story, and trust me, it’s a god damn doozy.)
Anyways. I caught feelings for someone I never thought I would catch feelings for. It was never a thought until they came into my life a little while ago, but they somehow managed to leave me in a state that no person has in a long, long time.
Even though we agreed to just be friends for now, I’m still pretty fucking angry and hurt.
I am confused, hurt, lost and have been in this weird mindset of what I can only describe as little Will Byers being in the Upside Down in Stranger Things. It’s almost as if the world continues going on around me, and I know it’s there and am completely aware of it, but am lost in this super fucking awful place and do not know how to get out.
I am in this weird place of confusion and anger, all while being scared, and god, is it awful.
(That was probably one of the weirdest analogies ever, but it’s the only one that makes sense to me right now…clearly I watch too much Netflix.)
This person has this effect on me where I tell my friends that I am done with them and their shit, but then the second I see them, I want nothing more than to be with them and to just spend any of the nonexistent free time I have with them.
It’s like all the anger, confusion and any other shit emotion I have just disappears when I see or talk to them, but then after they leave, I am in an even worse place than I was before, because they aren’t what I want them to be.
Not a worse place like in some cheesy rom-com where you just want to spend all of your time with your boo-thang and are a sad lil’ nug when you can’t be with them, but a place where I’m just angry and want to scream at them for what they made me realize about myself and the state that they just left me in.
But, even now, even at this exact second while I’m writing a post, listening to Harry Styles’ first solo album feeling all down in the dumps, all I want is to be with this person, and if they were to hit me up right now, at midnight, to just drive around and listen to their shitty ass taste in music, I’d be there in a fucking second.
HOW FUCKING PATHETIC IS THAT?
Can we just take a moment of silence for the fact that someone I haven’t even known for two months has me so fucked up?
What’s infuriating to me about this, is that someone has that kind of leverage on me. It makes my blood boil. Everything that I am feeling right now is the exact reason why I am so pessimistic about love and relationships.
Also, I feel like I need to clarify this at the moment…it’s not that this person I am ranting about is a bad person, because they really aren’t. I think that their heart is great, and I think that who they are is beautiful. However, if I am being quite honest, they have done absolutely nothing to deserve this kind of adoration from me, they really haven’t.
I don’t think you understand…nothing.
But with all of that being said, even though I’m hurting like I haven’t hurt in a long time, I wouldn’t take it back even if I could.
Yeah, you’re probably thinking, “This bitch literally just whined about being apart from this person and how shitty they left her, yet she wouldn’t take it back?”
Yep. I wouldn’t.
Not to drag this other person into it, but there’s a new, pretty rad, person on my radar that was listening to my general pessimisms about ~catching feels~ for people.
As we were talking about it, they reminded me that being pessimistic about something like this could cause me to miss out on something amazing and beautiful; something even more amazing than what had the potential of happening with the person that has me confused and angry right now.
Even though having feelings for someone, especially when it isn’t going to go anywhere, does suck sometimes, the feelings and everything associated with those feelings is nothing less than beautiful.
I guess my whole point here is that, yeah, people can be shitty and may make you feel like love is dumb and that relationships are nothing but a way to set yourself up for hurt in the end, but everything else that comes with feelings and relationships is really amazing, and so worthwhile. Even when it’s over.
But, just never forget to love yourself, too.
It’s fine to be invested and care for a person, but just never forget about your own needs and that you need to love yourself, too, because at the end of the day, you really only have yourself to depend on.
I need you to remember that, because it’s something that I often forget and am trying to remember, myself.
From one bothered lil’ bean to the random lil’ bean reading this –
You’re great, you deserve love and happiness, and even if you don’t want that with another person, then just be sure to love yourself and do whatever it is that makes you happy, because that’s all that matters in the end – your sanity, your happiness and your wellbeing.